Today I went on search of another blog by someone with BPD, because I felt incredibly alone, and I thought it might help. I found the following things:
1. An entire article on how people with BPD should never have children because those children would have a very high risk of developing a mental illness or PTSD just from being around you.
2. An article on how to stay away from people with Borderline, because, you know, we are clearly the devils work.
3. An article of how to cope better being a friend of someone with BPD. I was pretty hopeful about this one. Until it genuinely described how people with BPD will be emotionally crippled for their entire lives and that you'll have to accept that they'll never be a good friend.
I then thought I would look for blogs about suicide, because honestly, reading the first set of blogs made me heavily question why I bother fighting as hard as I do just to be judged. Every article I clicked on talked about suicide, then gave statistics for people with depression. They talked through depression, described it, and gave a range of helpful tips for dealing with it. Firstly Depression was portrayed in a positive light, but second and more importantly, no where was it mentioned that someone may die from suicide due to another mental disorder.
The thing I find most difficult about BPD is that its all the time; its a constant. At any time of day, I will probably be either overly depressed, anxious or bizarrely elated. Thats the first layer. On top of that layer, I will be scared of the people I need leaving me, irrationally. The next layer is thinking about suicide - I am in constant battle to fight it out of my head, and am reminded of it all the time throughout the day. Whether its trying desperately to remind myself I want to live, or working out how i'm going to die, its there all the time. The next layer is wanting to be alone, because I am exhausted from all the other layers, and can only process them properly in private. On top of that I am paranoid about random daily activities and the people around me, my feelings about people change in an instant, and I am scared that i'm going to die alone, in pain, and by my own hand.
And those layers all have to somehow co-exist, and when I walk near the edge of a high building, I have to have the strength to not jump off it. Because when you have those layers 24/7, the jump feels not so much just temping, but more like a necessity.
So to the people who write blogs about things which you know are going to be incredibly hurtful towards people with BPD, perhaps take the time first to think about whether its worth it. Because to me, being told I should never have children, is heartbreaking. To be told I can never be a good friend, is something I can't cope with. And to think that people need to stay away from me is a cherry on top of all these layers of pain that I am already struggling to deal with on a daily basis. Was your article still worth it?
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