It hurts so much because it lets me build a wall between me
and the worst of my pain; it watches me lay it brick by brick, with no
instructions, working out how to hold it together, how to keep it upright, how
to make it strong and proper. It watches me cry as I drop bricks and they
break, and it watches my pain when the rough surface scratches my skin away.
Then when my wall is getting high enough that it looks like the pain might stay behind it, it knocks it down. The bricks break, the cement crumbles away, until I am left with nothing but dust on the ground around me. Knowing that I not only have to sweep away the dust, I then have to start again. Find more bricks. Build from the ground up.
It’s no surprise I want to stop trying to build the wall and let it drown me. Yet I haven’t stopped. I am not sure I will ever stop trying to build this wall. I am aware one day it might crush me, but until that day, I am still building.
Then when my wall is getting high enough that it looks like the pain might stay behind it, it knocks it down. The bricks break, the cement crumbles away, until I am left with nothing but dust on the ground around me. Knowing that I not only have to sweep away the dust, I then have to start again. Find more bricks. Build from the ground up.
It’s no surprise I want to stop trying to build the wall and let it drown me. Yet I haven’t stopped. I am not sure I will ever stop trying to build this wall. I am aware one day it might crush me, but until that day, I am still building.
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