Today I went to the TEDxUniversityofKent talks. The topic of the day was Milestones, and I was prepared that there might be part of the talks which I found triggering or which I was sensitive too due to my ongoing problems with Mental Health, specifically Borderline Personality Disorder. What I didn't expect was a talk about Mental Health. The stage was graced by Becci; a girl in her 20s, well dressed, with a perky demeanor. Her talk was entitled 'Words have superpowers: A map of milestones to healing mental illness', and was about her experiences as a woman who suffers from Anxiety and Depression, who has found solace and healing in poetry, and who is working as a teacher aiming to help younger generations.
It was a wonderful talk about some really important topics, and I was struck, but not surprised, by my reaction. From the first sentence through to the last, I was crying. Sat on a theatre, tears rolled down my cheeks silently for the entire duration of the talk. I found it hard to keep my breathing under control, and I couldn't stop myself from shaking. I spend a lot of my time wishing mental health was talked about more regularly. Wishing I heard other people talk about it more, and wishing I had more platforms to talk about it myself. Yet the minute it is talked about, I am reduced to a blubbering mess! I was lucky enough to have one of my closest friends next to me, and without her hand to hold, there's a solid chance Id have had a silent panic attack. This isn't because I didn't like the talk, it is closer to the truth to say I liked it too much. I had someone stood in front of me and a theatre of people, verbalising the thing which has caused without a doubt the hardest experiences of my life. It has shaped the last decade, and I know it will continue to shape my life and those of the people closest to me. Yet she stood on stage and held some of my biggest demons in her hands in front of her. Her talk wasn't about me, yet in some senses it was, because when someone talks about mental illness that openly, to someone who suffers, it is like hearing your diagnosis being read on on repeat. It's like the darkest most painful parts of your life being held by someone else. They weren't being hurt by someone else, just held; bringing my attention to all the pain and suffering that they have in the last brought, and continue to bring me.
This makes me think about talking about mental health issues. For me, I'm taking small steps and im writing this blog. It may not be the biggest or the bravest step, but it's a chance for me to say "look, i'm fighting something very hard and very painful every day of my life, let me try and help others learn from me, and let me reach out and remind you that you really aren't alone in this". And for me it's making a difference, because it takes away some of my shame, and it takes away the common problem of Mental Health as something to be hidden away.
Today made it abundantly clear to me that people really don't vocalise their battles with Mental Health enough. I look for people who speak up, yet I was still affected that strongly because hearing those words was still a shock to my system. Today made me wish that people made me cry like that more often. Speak up, don't be ashamed, because you're brave, and I'm here ready to sob in the back of more theatres, or at more articles, or more videos online. And who knows, perhaps one day I'll have that affect on someone in return.
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