Cruelty

It’s a harsh moment, when you are reminded that you have absolutely no control at all. I thought if I tried hard enough, spent enough hours, did enough writing, enough hoping, enough self-care, enough hours looking at the darkest, shittiest parts of my personality and life, then I would be able to come out of the other side alive. I thought, for a few weeks, that I was the one in ultimate control.

But I am not and this is all some stupid, and incredibly evil joke. Why don’t you imagine a future for yourself, sweetie? Imagine yourself with a job you might actually be passionate about? Let yourself have a bit of time where you ACTUALLY BELIEVE that you are going to get out of this life naturally rather than your own hand? Oooh, this will make it fun; why don’t I let you start falling in love again?

Then nothing is going to change apart from a tiny reminder that you are a poisonous, manipulative, horrible, piece of this world. Maybe I didn’t manage to die by my own hand because I deserve so much worse than death; I deserve the torture of living like this until I finally still end up killing myself and leaving the people around me to deal with that. Well I hope the torture is quick and the end is soon.