The layers of BPD and why the internet is foul

Today I went on search of another blog by someone with BPD, because I felt incredibly alone, and I thought it might help. I found the following things:

1. An entire article on how people with BPD should never have children because those children would have a very high risk of developing a mental illness or PTSD just from being around you.

2. An article on how to stay away from people with Borderline, because, you know, we are clearly the devils work.

3. An article of how to cope better being a friend of someone with BPD. I was pretty hopeful about this one. Until it genuinely described how people with BPD will be emotionally crippled for their entire lives and that you'll have to accept that they'll never be a good friend.

I then thought I would look for blogs about suicide, because honestly, reading the first set of blogs made me heavily question why I bother fighting as hard as I do just to be judged. Every article I clicked on talked about suicide, then gave statistics for people with depression. They talked through depression, described it, and gave a range of helpful tips for dealing with it. Firstly Depression was portrayed in a positive light, but second and more importantly, no where was it mentioned that someone may die from suicide due to another mental disorder.

The thing I find most difficult about BPD is that its all the time; its a constant. At any time of day, I will probably be either overly depressed, anxious or bizarrely elated. Thats the first layer. On top of that layer, I will be scared of the people I need leaving me, irrationally. The next layer is thinking about suicide - I am in constant battle to fight it out of my head, and am reminded of it all the time throughout the day. Whether its trying desperately to remind myself I want to live, or working out how i'm going to die, its there all the time. The next layer is wanting to be alone, because I am exhausted from all the other layers, and can only process them properly in private. On top of that I am paranoid about random daily activities and the people around me, my feelings about people change in an instant, and I am scared that i'm going to die alone, in pain, and by my own hand.

And those layers all have to somehow co-exist, and when I walk near the edge of a high building, I have to have the strength to not jump off it. Because when you have those layers 24/7, the jump feels not so much just temping, but more like a necessity.

So to the people who write blogs about things which you know are going to be incredibly hurtful towards people with BPD, perhaps take the time first to think about whether its worth it. Because to me, being told I should never have children, is heartbreaking. To be told I can never be a good friend, is something I can't cope with. And to think that people need to stay away from me is a cherry on top of all these layers of pain that I am already struggling to deal with on a daily basis. Was your article still worth it?

My mind is hell.

Today I woke up and I knew that something was wrong. I opened my eyes and stared straight ahead, but couldn’t bring myself to turn my head, that felt like too much. My chest felt very heavy, as if someone was trying to pull my heart and lungs down into the bed. I rolled onto my side and curled up, continuing to stare straight ahead, wishing I didn’t have to face up to the reality of going through another day.
I try and sit up but I realise I am crying, and whenever I try and take a breath, it feels like I am taking on a promise to survive, each second. A promise I don’t feel I can keep, but every breath holds me to it. This makes me angry, my body is forcing me into thing I don’t want. I try and hold my breath , this should be my control, but as my tears catch up with my clenched lips I just end up sobbing, clinging onto my knees, hoping someone will come and take all of this away.

I haven’t been through a break up, no one has died, I haven’t been dealt any bad news. But I do have Borderline Personality Disorder. It’s a disorder which characterises itself through rapidly changeable and intense moods, a lack of ability to hold stability with inter-personal relationships, difficulty holding onto an identity and incredibly strong impulses towards self-destructive behaviour, such as self-harm or suicide, along with a plethora of other painful traits. It is difficult to medicate and hard to treat with therapy, but these are the best options. It is hell on a daily basis, but it is my life.

One of the things I find most painful is knowing that I can’t actually let anyone know how bad it is without overwhelming them. I allow myself time scales. Maybe once a week, once a fortnight, I can be honest when a friend asks if I’m alright, and I can tell them the truth. But every other day I act as if I can actually cope. When I am out, I take regular ‘toilet breaks’ which are actually me having a panic attack or sobbing silently in a bathroom. I pretend to be busy on days where I am too scared to leave my bedroom because paranoia has overwhelmed me, and every month or so I make sure I let people know that I am doing better, so that they don’t give up hope even if I have done. Nothing in my life feels natural, because I can’t let anyone in to know the true depths of the hell I am in. It is carefully planning my next move, because if I burden someone with too much, the guilt will take over and I would probably overdose. Yet if I stay silent as tell no one, I would feel so alone that I would probably overdose. But if I strike the balance right, I feel as if I am manipulating people around me, which makes me hate myself, and want to overdose. It is a never ending cycle of not feeling like I belong in the world but being terrified of death, despite being completely over-ruled by the idea of it.

There is no way I can let someone into my world and let them see what it is like. As a person I am not sure of many things, I doubt almost everything, but the one thing I don’t doubt is that my situation is far worse than even I am willing to accept. For many people, a suicide attempt is the lowest point in their life, and something which makes them see the light and make a change; something that they move on from. For me, suicide is a life sentence.

If you love someone who is struggling with mental illness, take the time to ask them what it is like, and try and understand what they are actually going through. Understanding is surely the first step towards being able to support them through it. And if you’re in it for the long haul; I am sure they’d appreciate a reminder that you don’t plan on giving up on them, because I know that’s a reminder I would appreciate.

The Silver Lining of Borderline Personality Disorder

With Mental Health being an increasingly mentioned issue in social media recently, awareness is slowly rising for conditions such as Depression, Anxiety, and Bipolar Disorder. The net hasn’t yet spread far enough for me to have seen mention of slightly less known disorders such as Borderline Personality Disorder (also known as Emotional Intensity Disorder), but also few people have taken into account that longer term disorders such as BPD can also bring positive outcomes. There are few, and they pale in comparison to the negative symptoms which outline the disorder, but that doesn’t mean that the positive effects should be ignored.
One of the negative symptoms of BPD is having a persistently unstable personal image or sense of self. It is common for BPD sufferers to regularly change the way they look, doubt their sexuality, and question the way they act and who they are. The positive factor this brings is a very specific type of personality which can adapt to situations and is often good at a wide range of tasks. A malleable personality may make it weaker, but it also means that every day there is the ability to be changed for the better, to be inspired, motivated, and to build a wide range of experiences.
This ties in with another positive outcome; intense passion. We may be overcome with emotions which seem uncontrollable and unmanageable, but when we are passionate about something, we will not lose that. We will be so passionate that we try as hard as we can, we care with all that we have, and we have the ability to truly give it our all. If you are the loved one of someone with BPD, then trust that you will be loved so deeply. If we succeed in something we care about, it will make us so happy that we will remember the feeling deeply for a long time. It may hurt sometimes, but intense passion is an incredible emotion to have.
Other positive factors include stunning curiosity and genuine interest in other people, the ability to sit and listen for hours as long as you have things to say, we will care. The ability to be spontaneous, to live in the moment, and to really feel the highs which life has to offer. Due to having experiences so much pain, we are deeply empathetic, we will never judge someone for having feelings and will never push down the importance of them. Some borderlines struggle with compassion because their emotional ranges are so different, but many, like me, can access such a massive bank of emotion that we can feel compassion in almost all situations.

The last two positive attributes I will mention (as there may be many more!) are two of my favourites. The first is the ability to be deeply creative. We have the ability to open our mind, to use our bizarre range of experiences and deep level of emotions to create in a way which others may struggle too. This makes us naturally good at the Arts, and creative careers.

The other is the ability to pick ourselves back up again. To know that things will get better, and to fight so much more than I think it is possible for non BPD people to understand.  My mind is a tornado of pain; my symptoms literally include recurrent suicidal behaviour, chronic feelings of emptiness and nothingness, and transient paranoid thoughts. Every single day of my life. But I am still sat here writing this post.

I may have a personality disorder, and that may mean a lifetime of intense mental difficulty, but perhaps it’s worth reminding ourselves every now and again that with the hardest challenges come the greatest successes. And I am determined that my personality doesn't have to be a disorder, it can be a success as well.

The strange side effect of talks about Mental Health

Today I went to the TEDxUniversityofKent talks. The topic of the day was Milestones, and I was prepared that there might be part of the talks which I found triggering or which I was sensitive too due to my ongoing problems with Mental Health, specifically Borderline Personality Disorder.  What I didn't expect was a talk about Mental Health. The stage was graced by Becci; a girl in her 20s, well dressed, with a perky demeanor. Her talk was entitled 'Words have superpowers: A map of milestones to healing mental illness', and was about her experiences as a woman who suffers from Anxiety and Depression, who has found solace and healing in poetry, and who is working as a teacher aiming to help younger generations. 

It was a wonderful talk about some really important topics, and I was struck, but not surprised, by my reaction. From the first sentence through to the last, I was crying. Sat on a theatre, tears rolled down my cheeks silently for the entire duration of the talk. I found it hard to keep my breathing under control, and I couldn't stop myself from shaking. I spend a lot of my time wishing mental health was talked about more regularly. Wishing I heard other people talk about it more, and wishing I had more platforms to talk about it myself. Yet the minute it is talked about, I am reduced to a blubbering mess! I was lucky enough to have one of my closest friends next to me, and without her hand to hold, there's a solid chance Id have had a silent panic attack. This isn't because I didn't like the talk, it is closer to the truth to say I liked it too much. I had someone stood in front of me and a theatre of people, verbalising the thing which has caused without a doubt the hardest experiences of my life. It has shaped the last decade, and I know it will continue to shape my life and those of the people closest to me. Yet she stood on stage and held some of my biggest demons in her hands in front of her. Her talk wasn't about me, yet in some senses it was, because when someone talks about mental illness that openly, to someone who suffers, it is like hearing your diagnosis being read on on repeat. It's like the darkest most painful parts of your life being held by someone else. They weren't being hurt by someone else, just held; bringing my attention to all the pain and suffering that they have in the last brought, and continue to bring me.

This makes me think about talking about mental health issues. For me, I'm taking small steps and im writing this blog. It may not be the biggest or the bravest step, but it's a chance for me to say "look, i'm fighting something very hard and very painful every day of my life, let me try and help others learn from me, and let me reach out and remind you that you really aren't alone in this". And for me it's making a difference, because it takes away some of my shame, and it takes away the common problem of Mental Health as something to be hidden away. 

Today made it abundantly clear to me that people really don't vocalise their battles with Mental Health enough. I look for people who speak up, yet I was still affected that strongly because hearing those words was still a shock to my system. Today made me wish that people made me cry like that more often. Speak up, don't be ashamed, because you're brave, and I'm here ready to sob in the back of more theatres, or at more articles, or more videos online. And who knows, perhaps one day I'll have that affect on someone in return. 

Unicorn Socks to save the day (and other Gift Giving love)

I hadn’t had the best week this week. I am not going to go into details, but I feel its important to mention that it’d been a struggle, and it’s only a Thursday.
Today I got two parcels, sandwiching a Dr's appointment (and those are never fun!) which turned my day around. I am a member of an online community of people who like Black Milk Clothing. Its more than a community, and less strange than a cult, but is perhaps somewhere in between! We call ourselves Sharkies. As a part of this I am in a group where we Sharkies send each other random gifts, to try and brighten people’s days randomly. It has always been an incredible page to be a part of, and people’s generosity and thoughtfulness never fails to amaze me. This was exemplified today by a particular Sharkie, the sender of today’s parcels, inside which was the array of wonderful things pictured below.

Now, I am writing this post for two reasons. Firstly as a means of thanks, to this sender but also to anyone who has sent a gift on this page, to me or to anyone else! To take time out of your busy (or not busy, either way) life, and to spend both your money and your thoughts on another person, not because you feel you need too or to repay something, but just because you genuinely want too, is a wonderful thing to do. Thank you on behalf of all of us! I know I am one of many people who is incredibly grateful. One of the people for whom the random gift appeared at a time, so unexpectedly, when we needed a pick-me-up more than we even knew.

I am also writing this post as a reminder of how much your life can change in a short space of time. This week there were times that I really wasn’t sure if I’d get to the end of it; I was told something which made me have to re-evaluate my life, and for me that’s a pretty dangerous thing to do, and I wasn’t sure I could. I am still not sure about the re-evaluation, but I’m definitely working on it. What I am sure of is that I’ll make it far past this week. This gift has shown me that my little world is so much bigger than me and the decisions I am currently trying to make. My little world is actually part of a very big and very wonderful world! And this decision won’t be the end of me, because I am stronger than that, but also because I now have a pair of unicorn socks to help get me through.

Let’s be honest, unicorn socks and a large dose of hope is really what anyone needs to get through a rough patch!

Getting by with a little help from our friends

A key part of living with a mental health disorder is being supported. This can come from a variety of places; mental health professionals, counsellors, therapists, and importantly, friends and family. I am usually on the receiving end of the support from friends, but I have also been in the position of being the friend trying to give the support. This post is to the friends, for those who fight for us and only get repaid by keeping us as a friend. Its not your job, but you care enough to dedicate your time.

Firstly, thank you. Thank you for being selfless enough to help a friend who struggles with something you can’t physically see. Thank you for not giving up on them, thank you for believing in them and knowing that they are worth the help.
I understand that its hard; its tiring sometimes, when you have to give time that perhaps you don’t have. When you are trying everything to help them, and it just isn’t changing anything. When you have to watch the person you love go through a lot of pain and know that all you can do is tell them you’re there for them, and hope that they pull through. I even understand the pain of the times where you think you might be about to lose them, when you’re scared that this time they might not manage to pull through. You are amazing to stay there, taking that risk, and continuing to believe that somehow they will find a way, because you know they’re worth it.

If you’re at a loose end and don’t know how to help, it is important to remember that Mental Illness is often overwhelmingly lonely. This isn’t because friends aren’t doing enough, it’s just because the journey taken to recovery ultimately has to come from us, and when things go wrong, we are the first to know, and at that moment, we are likely to be alone. Asking for help can be lonely, and not being able to find the help is even more lonely. As the friend, you make this so much easier. It can be a random text just to remind them that you care or that you love them, it can be an impromptu meet up, or it can just be a conversation about something unrelated to the illness to help them feel like there is more to life. You have the power to be the ultimate distraction, and to provide a human safety net.

I also think it’s really important that in those times where perhaps you can’t help, or just don’t know how or what to do, that is okay as well. You’re allowed to do the wrong thing, and its okay if sometimes there’s nothing you can do. We know that you’re human and ultimately the responsibility relies in us and in the hands of mental health professionals.

I am lucky enough to have some absolutely incredible friends, and I have no idea how I am lucky enough to have them, but I also know that random texts and care that they give is sometimes the boost I need to keep fighting. Thank you from me, but also thank you to all the friends out there who make it possible for us to fight an illness which you can’t even see. 

Dealing with Fear

Fear is an emotion that different people feel on very different levels. You have phobias, anxiety induced fear, and of course those who think they are fearless. For some people, it would take a gun to their head to feel fear. For others it’s a fear of failure, perhaps at work or at home. For me, its everyday activities; I am very scared of opening doors, and no that isn’t a metaphor, I am genuinely very fearful of a door if I’ve never opened it before. Not knowing what’s on the other side scares me. I can feel it from the top of my head to the bottom of my toes, I shake, I can’t breathe properly. Fear.

Today I have been scared all day, because this Saturday I have a very scary and ominous event coming up. Something where a lot of eyes will be on me, scrutinising my every move, and I just have to do the best I can and hope it’s enough. Something I’ve learnt over the years, is that fear cannot be pushed down. Fear cannot be covered up, and fear will not let go. It demands to be felt, but if felt too much, it will just increase. As someone who has panic attacks very regularly, which terrifies me every time, I have learnt a few ways to handle my fear:

1.       Focus on something static. Find an object; notice all the little details on it. If its pillow; what is the fabric like? What colour/s is it? Does it look rough or smooth? Would you have designed it differently if you could? Do you even like this pillow? etc. The list could go on.

2.       Talk to someone you trust. I have some absolutely incredible friends; they help me keep my little world going round. If I tell one of them about a big fear I have, and they tell me that it’ll be okay, I trust them. I believe them. I give them the control of knowing, and I can feel the pressure dissipate slightly.

3.       Stand up to it. Don’t let fear bully you. You are strong, you are brave, you are here and you are fighting. Don’t let one emotion take that away from you. Take a deep breath, inhale your bravery, and exhale the fear. Because you are not going to be beaten by this, you deserve better.

This particular event is so scary that I need to do these things pretty much all day, and I know that once the event is over, I will be happy. I will also be proud because even though fear keeps coming back, I keep beating it, one day at a time. And I know that you will too. Fear is not something you should be ashamed of, because at the end of the day, it shows that you can still care.