One
of the toughest things about almost all mental illnesses is that they are a
constant. Every night the pain you fall
asleep with is the one you wake up with – and this routine continues, sometimes
for years, with no control. Its tiring, repetitive, exhausting, and can take
massive control over your life.
I spent years being given false diagnoses, believing that my issues were just my
personality. That it was just what I was like, rather than there being a
separation between who I am and what my illness is. It is taking a long time
but I am slowly coming to accept that there is the person I am, and there is
the Borderline Personality Disorder that I have, and that I am going to beat. I
accept my disorder, and I accept that it’s going to make me feel like giving up
on a daily basis, but I also accept that I deserve better than that and one day
I will be better. I don’t always believe this, in fact I rarely do, but if I
write it down now then perhaps I will remember it when I can’t see a light at
the end of the tunnel.
Another tough thing is never, ever giving up. I sometimes feel like I give up
on a daily basis; I break down, I cry, I sit staring at walls unable to move or
speak. Yet that isn’t giving up; that is my brain doing everything it can to
not give up. Sometimes that means turning all my emotions off so that I am
unable to do anything, anything but be safe. I may have tried therapy, group
therapy, CBT, psychotherapy, counselling, and 7 different medications, but
until I have tried it all, I won’t give up.
Currently I am trying lots and lots of vitamins (you never know), a STEPPS
programme, solo therapy, mood plotting, and working out how my friends can
support me in the way that I need it right now.
Never giving up isn’t necessarily about the therapy, or the medication. Sometimes
never giving up is in every morning, giving yourself a chance to enjoy the small
good things in your day, and reminding yourself that they exist. Because
however small, it is those tiny jewels of hope and love which are going to give
us the strength to fight our minds shattering around us. For me it’s often a
single caring text, an outfit I feel confident in, or seeing something
unexpectedly beautiful which allows me to hold onto hope for another tomorrow. That’s
what life is; just a series of tomorrows.
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