Exhaustion.

I haven’t written anything for a few weeks, and honestly it’s because I don’t know what to say anymore. It is exhausting being the human that I am; I understand that life is hard, I get that, but for the last few weeks my borderline symptoms have got worse and I’ve hand multiple mental health episodes every day. By that I mean constantly cycling between euphoric happiness, overwhelming anxiety, complete dissociation (feeling numb, no emotions), inwards anger, and overwhelming suicidal feelings. There is no normal, there is no rest. Currently it’s the anxiety, which doesn’t mean I’m nervous, it means my heart won’t slow down, my head feels like its being squeezed, my breathing is shallow, and my head has been pumped with fear so that anything I actually need to process seems like too much, too confusing and hard, and nothing quite makes sense. I would have to put a lot of concentration into upholding a normal conversation, and each of the sentences I type I have to re-type because of how many words I am repeating without noticing it.

I’ve barely slept for more than an hour at a time, I keep waking up shaking or terrified, I’ve relapsed with self-harm and I am almost constantly shaking. I worry about any time I have to spend on my own because I can’t trust that I won’t hurt myself or worse. I am never sure where my day is going to take me and how long it is until I fall weakness to complete self-destruction. These things are all my ‘normal’; this is the base off which I have to deal with the other daily stresses that all humans face. Money problems, hating my new job, needing more hours in a day, worrying about the people around me, trying to eat properly and exercise enough, whilst training for 2 national competitions and a performance. I don’t have a solid floor off which to deal with these things so it feels like all of it is toppling, its all a balancing act which I am very bad at, and even though everything is falling out of place I still need to look like I’m holding it all under control.

So I have barely written anything recently, because honestly, I’m exhausted. By the end of last year I was ready to fight, to turn up to events that I was terrified of, ready to leave my comfort zone behind and be the human that I have worked so hard to be even though I have barely got anywhere. Yet now I feel like I’ve gone back in time 6 months. I haven’t given up, there is just a very long way to go, and if it weren’t for my incredible partner, it would be impossible, but I’ve got him and I am not quite done with this planet yet. Though in another hour, everything may have changed. I am exhausted.