I’m weirdly happy. Its weird because the last week has been really,
really tough. Today I had to go to work even though I’m ill and did a 13 hour
shift yesterday. MY BPD has been so obvious and it feels like its holding the remote
at the moment, but alongside that, I have also had an amazing week. I’ve
laughed harder than I remember doing in months, laughed until I cried. I am
falling further in love every day, with the most wonderful man I’ve ever met.
Despite problems I am holding down my job, and I can appreciate the good parts
of it alongside the parts I currently find unbearable. I started self-harming
yet again, fairly badly, but I also stopped and didn’t inflict lasting injury. I’m
still standing, I’m not in hospital, and ultimately I am still here and still
able to smile.
It is hard to describe how strange it is to be incredibly happy and massively struggling, but somehow I am. It’s as if this week were impossible, but my boyfriend has stood beside me reminding me that he believe in me and that he loves me for everything that I am….and somehow it makes me strong enough to be better than I would have been without him. I don’t need another person, I can do this on my own. Yet having another person so close really does make my world brighter; suddenly my future has a far bigger smile in it.
It is hard to describe how strange it is to be incredibly happy and massively struggling, but somehow I am. It’s as if this week were impossible, but my boyfriend has stood beside me reminding me that he believe in me and that he loves me for everything that I am….and somehow it makes me strong enough to be better than I would have been without him. I don’t need another person, I can do this on my own. Yet having another person so close really does make my world brighter; suddenly my future has a far bigger smile in it.
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