Over the last fortnight I have spent a lot of time thinking
about my diagnosis. After an appointment with the psych doctor about a new
medication, I was sent the letter which was also sent to my GP, and written at
the top was ‘Diagnosis: Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder’ with some
extra words and letters that I can’t currently recall. I knew I had EUPD, also
known as BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), I have known for about a year
and a half officially but have had the symptoms for 6+ years.
To me it feels like a really cruel disorder because it is all grey areas. No two BPD patients will have the same symptoms, but we are characterised by a general total lack of mental stability. Fast changing moods, lack of logic, irresponsible and destructive behaviour, depression, anxiety, anger. We all have a flurry of these symptoms which represent themselves in different ways, with the shared factor of not having any stability within ourselves. I know many people would say that it isn’t a symptom of EUPD to be unstable and is in fact a symptom of life, but those people would also be able to describe who they are. They would be able to describe a day in one or two emotional mood states, and they would struggle to understand being euphoric one minute and wildly self-harming the next, and for that to be normal. I have a disorder which is defined by emotional instability. I have an unstable personality. I am not entirely sure how I am meant to accept that. What is my personality and what is a disorder? Is it ever possible to differentiate between the two, or am I going to have to spend my life accepting that because EUPD lives in the grey parts of mental health issues, I am stuck feeling like a horrible amalgamation of symptoms and crumbing human.
I don’t remember how it feels to not think like this, but I am aware that there were days before EUPD. When I was 14 I think I was fairly normal, a slightly odd sense of humour perhaps but which 14 year old isn’t a bit too giggly? I had a constant state. I had a ‘normal’, and I no longer know what my ‘normal’ state is. Most people seem to be able to function on what seems to be an autopilot emotional setting, where they are capable of getting on with daily tasks. They may sometimes feel said or nervous or happy, but they are also functioning. Yet with no stimulus I am rendered incapable of performing basic tasks purely because my mind randomly gives up, or randomly throws at me so much self-hate that it makes me genuinely believe I deserve to be physically tortured, then suddenly I am euphorically happy and laughing at how funny and lovely the world is even though I may still have blood dripping down me from the self-mutilation.
When I first took an overdose, I was beaming with happiness. I don’t remember many moments in my life when I was that happy, but that day I remember no fear, no sadness, just pure joy at the knowledge that within a handful of hours I would never have to experience my unstable personality again. I have since failed to take my own life more times than I can count on my hands, and it seems like there could be no other diagnosis to give me. I have an unstable personality, and it has such a prominent effect on my life that it is a disorder. My emotions have no stability, and no relationship or therapy or medication has yet managed to stabilise me, because it is deeper than that. I didn’t develop right, and that is difficult to be fixed. I am not sure how you fix a person who is chronically emotionally unstable.
I am constantly trying to come to terms with my disorder because if I can manage too for just a few seconds then I might be able to forgive myself for all the pain I have put myself through. Until that day I will continue to feel like the victim and the criminal at the same time; simultaneously desperate to look after the hurt, terrified human and wanting to punish the human who put me through that much pain, wanting to hurt the human who’s fault my pain is. Being both of those humans is constant hell, and for that reason I feel like EUPD is an incredibly cruel disorder. The harsh reality is that I may die by my own hand, with the other hand desperately reaching out for help and to be loved, because I have no idea how to save myself.
To me it feels like a really cruel disorder because it is all grey areas. No two BPD patients will have the same symptoms, but we are characterised by a general total lack of mental stability. Fast changing moods, lack of logic, irresponsible and destructive behaviour, depression, anxiety, anger. We all have a flurry of these symptoms which represent themselves in different ways, with the shared factor of not having any stability within ourselves. I know many people would say that it isn’t a symptom of EUPD to be unstable and is in fact a symptom of life, but those people would also be able to describe who they are. They would be able to describe a day in one or two emotional mood states, and they would struggle to understand being euphoric one minute and wildly self-harming the next, and for that to be normal. I have a disorder which is defined by emotional instability. I have an unstable personality. I am not entirely sure how I am meant to accept that. What is my personality and what is a disorder? Is it ever possible to differentiate between the two, or am I going to have to spend my life accepting that because EUPD lives in the grey parts of mental health issues, I am stuck feeling like a horrible amalgamation of symptoms and crumbing human.
I don’t remember how it feels to not think like this, but I am aware that there were days before EUPD. When I was 14 I think I was fairly normal, a slightly odd sense of humour perhaps but which 14 year old isn’t a bit too giggly? I had a constant state. I had a ‘normal’, and I no longer know what my ‘normal’ state is. Most people seem to be able to function on what seems to be an autopilot emotional setting, where they are capable of getting on with daily tasks. They may sometimes feel said or nervous or happy, but they are also functioning. Yet with no stimulus I am rendered incapable of performing basic tasks purely because my mind randomly gives up, or randomly throws at me so much self-hate that it makes me genuinely believe I deserve to be physically tortured, then suddenly I am euphorically happy and laughing at how funny and lovely the world is even though I may still have blood dripping down me from the self-mutilation.
When I first took an overdose, I was beaming with happiness. I don’t remember many moments in my life when I was that happy, but that day I remember no fear, no sadness, just pure joy at the knowledge that within a handful of hours I would never have to experience my unstable personality again. I have since failed to take my own life more times than I can count on my hands, and it seems like there could be no other diagnosis to give me. I have an unstable personality, and it has such a prominent effect on my life that it is a disorder. My emotions have no stability, and no relationship or therapy or medication has yet managed to stabilise me, because it is deeper than that. I didn’t develop right, and that is difficult to be fixed. I am not sure how you fix a person who is chronically emotionally unstable.
I am constantly trying to come to terms with my disorder because if I can manage too for just a few seconds then I might be able to forgive myself for all the pain I have put myself through. Until that day I will continue to feel like the victim and the criminal at the same time; simultaneously desperate to look after the hurt, terrified human and wanting to punish the human who put me through that much pain, wanting to hurt the human who’s fault my pain is. Being both of those humans is constant hell, and for that reason I feel like EUPD is an incredibly cruel disorder. The harsh reality is that I may die by my own hand, with the other hand desperately reaching out for help and to be loved, because I have no idea how to save myself.
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