Let me be a coward.

Seconds. It always amazes me how it takes seconds for everything to drop. It doesn’t matter what has happened or how happy I have been for how long, it just goes. I lose it all and revert into a broken, barely human body which is so empty and so desperate that I can barely fake a smile and hold my head on my shoulders. I have to go on living a life that could be completely lost at any moment. I know that everyone has this, but I don’t believe it is in the forefront of most people’s heads at all times.

Suicide is seen as the cowards way out. Its seen as selfish.
“I know I’m not capable of that because I know it would hurt people I left behind”
“Just push through a few more days, you’ll see, it’ll get better”
“Don’t be an idiot”

I am not a coward, I am not selfish, and I am not an idiot. I have a problem which means that suicide is on my mind almost all day, all night. I sometimes wonder how long someone else would last with my brain. Honestly, I don’t think it would be long.

I am just a girl who doesn’t want to exist anymore. I want to delete myself. Remove the error. Rub out the mistake.

I am just a girl who thinks about dying all the time and doesn’t know how to live. It really isn’t selfish that I am incapable of living. I bet you’d be a ‘coward’ too if your brain didn’t work properly.

Grief is hell, I understand that. But when I lose this fight, I lose it all. At least grief means you still have a beating heart.