Right now I feel like I am on top of the world. Not because
I am the happiest person, not because I’m no longer ill, and not because I have
achieved any incredible feats. No, right now I am happy because I truly believe
with every bone in my body that I am going to be allowed to try and live until
I am old and wrinkly! In this moment in time, I believe I am someone worth
fighting for. I believe I matter, I believe I can help remind other people that
they matter, and I believe that I actually have the power to put my experiences
to good use and make a tiny bit of difference to someone’s world.
The thing about having a disorder like BPD is that is fogs your mental vision, constantly. It is always there, twisting things and taking away hope, trust and belief. Yet when things are a little bit better for me, like now, I am honestly so appreciative. A lot of people talk about living their dreams, but for me, honestly, my dream is to live. This is my dream. For me, this mood is an achievement, and looking past the pain, fear, mistrust and disillusion can be hard.
This mood won’t last, that is the nature of my disorder, and at any moment in the next 24 hours I could be reduced to a shattered human, curled up in the corner of my room unable to do anything apart from sob, or do myself damage. I am aware of that. Yet I can look past it, because I truly feel like I can get through that. I can shatter, I can go through pain, and I can put myself back together and wait for the pain to pass, because being a borderline hasn’t just made me weak; it has made me unbelievably determined as well.
Watch this space, because I have only lived ¼ of what could be my life, and I have a lot of things to do in the next 60 years and a lot of people I love to do them with. If you’re reading this as someone who is currently struggling, keep pushing through, because mental illness should never win. You are better than that and you deserve so, so much more than that. I will always believe in you.
The thing about having a disorder like BPD is that is fogs your mental vision, constantly. It is always there, twisting things and taking away hope, trust and belief. Yet when things are a little bit better for me, like now, I am honestly so appreciative. A lot of people talk about living their dreams, but for me, honestly, my dream is to live. This is my dream. For me, this mood is an achievement, and looking past the pain, fear, mistrust and disillusion can be hard.
This mood won’t last, that is the nature of my disorder, and at any moment in the next 24 hours I could be reduced to a shattered human, curled up in the corner of my room unable to do anything apart from sob, or do myself damage. I am aware of that. Yet I can look past it, because I truly feel like I can get through that. I can shatter, I can go through pain, and I can put myself back together and wait for the pain to pass, because being a borderline hasn’t just made me weak; it has made me unbelievably determined as well.
Watch this space, because I have only lived ¼ of what could be my life, and I have a lot of things to do in the next 60 years and a lot of people I love to do them with. If you’re reading this as someone who is currently struggling, keep pushing through, because mental illness should never win. You are better than that and you deserve so, so much more than that. I will always believe in you.
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