3am lies to you.

Of the many, many small (and some very big) steps I’m taking towards recovering from both BPD and the traumatic memories my actions have left me with, I have to conquer myself at 3am.

It is commonly known that it is harder to find positivity in the middle of the night when its dark and you’re alone or next to someone asleep, and all you can think of is your failure. When you’re someone who’s suicide attempts have reached double figures by your early 20s, there are a lot of failures for 3am to pounce on. Something I have started to do to try and help stay sane through the night is to talk to myself; and yes I do know how that sounds! Honestly though, when there are voices in my head telling me that I have let down everyone I know, that I am hated, disgusting and that the world would be a better place without me, there needs to be another voice.
At those times I desperately need a person to be there with me, to look into my thoughts and to tell me that I am loved, I am cared for, I am worth surviving this. That will never be possible, even if I am not alone physically, I will always be alone inside my head, so the only voice I have to rely on is my own.

I am not strong enough to counteract the poisonous things which 3am tells me, but there is a small part of me which is capable of saying ‘It’s okay lovely, honestly, I know that this is horrible and I understand the tears, but you won’t feel this way forever. Tomorrow will bring a new day, and tomorrow will bring change and hope. I am here for you, I care about you, and I’m proud of you.’

It may sound ridiculous that I say these things to myself, but having spent my whole adult life being incredibly horrible to myself both mentally and physically, it is finally time that I try and care about the girl who screams into her pillow because she can’t handle the pain or the memories. When you’ve been abused it is too easy to feel like you deserve the abuse, it is too easy to fall into a trap of self-abuse because that feels like the thing you need to do. Self-love is a lot harder, but perhaps one sentence at a time, it can help me survive 3am. Some days it isn’t possible, but I’m proud of the few days where it is possible, because I would actually really like to survive this!

If 3am is lying to you; remember that you can comfort yourself, and remember that 3pm the next day may in fact be a lot nicer, and is worth waiting for and worth fighting for.