I've been focusing on the wrong things in life, and I've
been doing it for a long time. I don't mean too, and I'm not sure why I'm wired
in such a narrow minded way, but I can be honest that I've made mistakes and
I'm clear about my imperfections, and more importantly I'm going to try really
hard to change them a bit.
See, I am desperate for reassurance from the people around
me. It's something I hate about myself but it's also something I have very
little control over. I've been looking for the wrong reassurance though, and I
need to start learning that I'm not going to find it through asking for it. It
is hard that questions never get the right answers, because trust isn't
something that comes easily to me, mainly not trusting my own brain.
If I think: "They
must like me, we're friends"
Brain says: "how
do you know you're friends?"
I think: "well...we
see each other sometimes, and chat a lot, and...I don't know, we're just
friends"
Brain says: "you
were friends, but you can't prove to me that you still are. I don't believe you."
In this situation I wish I could remind myself of all the
events that mean I am cared for, but for some reason that's something I am not capable of a lot of the time. I tell myself things and my brain refuses to
process them – leaving me empty.
What I need to try and slowly be able to remember, is that the words we are all obsessed with actually don’t mean very much at all. Things like friendship, care, trust and love are very personal and no two people feel them in exactly the same way, so why do I look for these words, when they don’t even translate between people? What I should be listening for are the things that do translate.
People telling me they love me does not make me loved, people telling me they care does not mean they care about me, and people saying we are friends doesn’t necessarily show friendship. One of you got up and drove to me when you should have been going to sleep because you were told it would help keep me safe. One of you didn’t question staying up until 4am to wait for the mental health team even though you had an assessment the next day that I didn’t know about. More than one of you drove to a random town in the hope that you’d find me there and be able to bring me home. More importantly; you didn’t run. I have people around me who should have run miles by now, I have pushed them away and I have clung to them too tight, I have drawn them into my tornado of a world, and they still stand strong and smile with me when things are good. They’re still there. I don’t care what 4-6 letter word you use or don’t use, I’m incredibly lucky to have these people in my life. Those things do translate.
I am sorry that I look for words when I should trust your actions. This is not something that comes naturally to me, but one day I will learn it, and the memories of the actions of so many people will keep me safe for life.
What I need to try and slowly be able to remember, is that the words we are all obsessed with actually don’t mean very much at all. Things like friendship, care, trust and love are very personal and no two people feel them in exactly the same way, so why do I look for these words, when they don’t even translate between people? What I should be listening for are the things that do translate.
People telling me they love me does not make me loved, people telling me they care does not mean they care about me, and people saying we are friends doesn’t necessarily show friendship. One of you got up and drove to me when you should have been going to sleep because you were told it would help keep me safe. One of you didn’t question staying up until 4am to wait for the mental health team even though you had an assessment the next day that I didn’t know about. More than one of you drove to a random town in the hope that you’d find me there and be able to bring me home. More importantly; you didn’t run. I have people around me who should have run miles by now, I have pushed them away and I have clung to them too tight, I have drawn them into my tornado of a world, and they still stand strong and smile with me when things are good. They’re still there. I don’t care what 4-6 letter word you use or don’t use, I’m incredibly lucky to have these people in my life. Those things do translate.
I am sorry that I look for words when I should trust your actions. This is not something that comes naturally to me, but one day I will learn it, and the memories of the actions of so many people will keep me safe for life.
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