Death and the mortality of myself and those around me is a
thought which for someone like me is all too present. I am obsessed by it,
terrified of it, controlled by it and desperate to control it. The recent
shootings in Paris have really made me think about how close death is to all of
us, and how easily it can happen by accident. Any of us could be shot tomorrow,
have a sudden heart attack, or be involved in a car accident. It may sound like
a morbid thought but in some ways it isn’t; because it means that every day we
get to the end of is something to be happy about.
The people who were killed in the Paris shootings were so alive. They were out on a Friday night, most likely thinking about having a good time, and what they had to do over the next week or so. They may have been thinking about their plans for the weekend, worrying about getting work done, and thinking about the people they care about. I find it very hard to comprehend that these people will never be able to see that weekend; they will never get a Saturday 14th November 2015, or any of the days after that. They were robbed of their chance to grow old, but not only that, they were robbed of the chance to appreciate each day. They won’t see Christmas this year, there will be an empty chair at a table somewhere, an empty seat on a sofa, a present with no recipient, a pair of skates never to be laced up again.
We are all temporary beings and none of us will survive this life, yet when someone seems to be ripped off the earth rather than having the chance to pass away, it is a new level of cruel. The people who lived their lives alongside them have to readjust the way they function; they have to fill a blank spot which shouldn’t be there. The people who are no longer here along with so many others who pass away daily should not have been taken from us, or so it feels. Their hopes, dreams and future plans have to just disappear, everything they have worked for, everything they have trained for, planned for, has to remain unfulfilled forever. It isn’t a concept I can truly accept or understand and I am not sure I ever will – the magnitude of loss is huge.
I often think about how much of a struggle it is to survive with the problems I have, though I am always aware that everyone has difficulties and of course some have it harder; our pain is not comparable. One thing I do know is that there are people who passed away three days ago in those shootings who would give anything to be in my position. I may feel like I am on the edge of death for a lot of my life, but the important part to remember is that however close it may be, life is closer. There is a very high chance that I will wake up tomorrow morning, and that I will keep breathing for another day, another week, probably another year. I will get to fill that chair at the Christmas table; I won’t be an empty space because I exist to fill it.
I could easily be a memory by now – all too easily. This is another thing which is hard to comprehend – that if my life had gone the way I planned it, I would no longer be here. I would have become a memory of grief, a feeling of guilt, and a lot of love with nowhere to go. I would be an empty seat, a pole without me to perform on it, a derby game leaving my clipboard untouched. I would never again get to wake up, or fall asleep. I would never get to hug someone I care about, to rest my head on their shoulder and feel genuinely safe for those few seconds. I would never be able to reassure anyone, make anyone smile, teach anyone what I know, or hold out my hand to those who might need it. Grief isn’t something which goes away – it changes and eventually becomes a more bearable part of life, but the seat will always be empty of the person who it was meant to be there for.
I am incredibly lucky to be alive, and I desperately hope that this reminder of mortality can help people like me try and understand the magnitude of death. Understand that it is in some ways not massive, it is not like a firework or an explosion, it is a quiet and heart-breaking ongoing loss of someone who was not meant to be lost. Death by suicide doesn't leave its mark because it adds death to the world, it leaves its mark because it removes some hope, it removes a heartbeat, it removes your dreams and ability to love. I don’t believe I was born to be lost, I just need some help to believe that and be capable of it.
The people who were killed in the Paris shootings were so alive. They were out on a Friday night, most likely thinking about having a good time, and what they had to do over the next week or so. They may have been thinking about their plans for the weekend, worrying about getting work done, and thinking about the people they care about. I find it very hard to comprehend that these people will never be able to see that weekend; they will never get a Saturday 14th November 2015, or any of the days after that. They were robbed of their chance to grow old, but not only that, they were robbed of the chance to appreciate each day. They won’t see Christmas this year, there will be an empty chair at a table somewhere, an empty seat on a sofa, a present with no recipient, a pair of skates never to be laced up again.
We are all temporary beings and none of us will survive this life, yet when someone seems to be ripped off the earth rather than having the chance to pass away, it is a new level of cruel. The people who lived their lives alongside them have to readjust the way they function; they have to fill a blank spot which shouldn’t be there. The people who are no longer here along with so many others who pass away daily should not have been taken from us, or so it feels. Their hopes, dreams and future plans have to just disappear, everything they have worked for, everything they have trained for, planned for, has to remain unfulfilled forever. It isn’t a concept I can truly accept or understand and I am not sure I ever will – the magnitude of loss is huge.
I often think about how much of a struggle it is to survive with the problems I have, though I am always aware that everyone has difficulties and of course some have it harder; our pain is not comparable. One thing I do know is that there are people who passed away three days ago in those shootings who would give anything to be in my position. I may feel like I am on the edge of death for a lot of my life, but the important part to remember is that however close it may be, life is closer. There is a very high chance that I will wake up tomorrow morning, and that I will keep breathing for another day, another week, probably another year. I will get to fill that chair at the Christmas table; I won’t be an empty space because I exist to fill it.
I could easily be a memory by now – all too easily. This is another thing which is hard to comprehend – that if my life had gone the way I planned it, I would no longer be here. I would have become a memory of grief, a feeling of guilt, and a lot of love with nowhere to go. I would be an empty seat, a pole without me to perform on it, a derby game leaving my clipboard untouched. I would never again get to wake up, or fall asleep. I would never get to hug someone I care about, to rest my head on their shoulder and feel genuinely safe for those few seconds. I would never be able to reassure anyone, make anyone smile, teach anyone what I know, or hold out my hand to those who might need it. Grief isn’t something which goes away – it changes and eventually becomes a more bearable part of life, but the seat will always be empty of the person who it was meant to be there for.
I am incredibly lucky to be alive, and I desperately hope that this reminder of mortality can help people like me try and understand the magnitude of death. Understand that it is in some ways not massive, it is not like a firework or an explosion, it is a quiet and heart-breaking ongoing loss of someone who was not meant to be lost. Death by suicide doesn't leave its mark because it adds death to the world, it leaves its mark because it removes some hope, it removes a heartbeat, it removes your dreams and ability to love. I don’t believe I was born to be lost, I just need some help to believe that and be capable of it.
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